When I Swore in my Head at Work

When I swore in my head at work, it happened at the strangest time.

I was walking up the basement stairs after picking up my lunch salad from the fridge, and as I passed the curtained-off office of my co-workers, my legs felt strong.  Like they knew they missed running this morning, and had at least 3 miles to make up for.  Like I had been running up the stairs all morning.  Like I had actually hiked in the mountains as part of a previous job.

Strong legs and memories.  That's what prompted it.

I wanted to tell them, "I could climb mountains with these things, *insert swear words you can call people here*."  And then I wanted to run out of the office and find the nearest mountain, which happens to be Pillchuck, which you can see from the office building on a relatively clear day.

To be honest, I don't swear that much in my head.  Anymore.  It's been a few years since that phase died down, and it only lasted a year or so anyway.  I'm sure it'll come back to bite me in the *not saying that cuss word here* when I'm senile and all I can do is speak out these words from that one year.

But I was surprised at how strongly I was feeling against those curtain-cloistered co-workers.  "You don't know what I'm capable of!" I wanted to say.  "I can climb and run and do way more than you're paying me for!"  Of course I can, and they know that.  It's just that nobody thinks about it except me.  "I'm really smart!  And I could be doin' stuff!"  What, do I think they'll hire me to go home right now and write that Russian-literature inspired masterpiece of the English language?

I guess that's what's so helpful about having friends.  They know I'm better than this job.  They know I've got skills that are useful in the real world other than typing really fast and speaking politely over the phone.  They love me and celebrate and these gifts, and encourage me to explore and grow them.

I guess that's my cue to be my own friend and say, "*Word* it!  You are so good at so much *noun* that you should just go and do.  The world will thank you and you will bless God.  You should go do something amazing, like climb a mountain.  Or write a story.  Or travel, *blank* it!  Or water your garden that you already have that is awesome.  Or kiss your favorite fiancee and then do it again.  You do cool *stuff* and there's no one like you.  No one else can feel the rain on your face... or the muscles in your legs as you mountain goat up the switchbacks.  You'll never get a runner's high without your own cooperation.

So go on, take that jog!  Take that job!  Volunteer at that place!  Visit that migrant farm outreach!  Speak your own *blank* Spanish again.  Do your favorite blissful things that make your face come alive and your heart expand beyond the confines of the atmosphere.  Be a *really good* counselor!  Reach out to someone in need and let their life matter to you.  Read a life-altering book.  Write one!  Write a love letter!  In Spanish!  Wear that fancy dress!  Paint those toenails again!  Buy that carazy-expensive makeup and wear the heck out of it!  Say your prayers till Jesus comes!  Say it again!  Talk about your love life with the Holy Ghost and blow people's minds!  Plan your own damn birthday!  Ask for what you want!  Write yourself the best love letter you can think of!

Create your own treasure hunt!  Prayer labyrinth!  Website! Watercolor greeting card!  Sister adventure!  Bridal shower!  Recipe!  Leaf sculpture! Hand-written letter!  Envelope!  Collage!  Pottery bowl!  Pillowcase!  Dress!  Hemmed-up pants!  Tea leaf concoction!  Body scrub!  Pinterest board!  Anthropologie wish list!  Pillow fort!  Prayer nook!  Amen!

Tonight, I'm going home.  And I am excited to MAKE SOME COOKIES, which I am going to SHARE WITH MY SMALL GROUP FROM CHURCH, damnit!

I hope that blesses your heart.

I'm going to be alive.